"Getting-to-know" never ends

I have known many couples who break up and separate despite the long years of being together (which is rare these days- the long years I mean). Most of them are celebrities, but a few are also in my social circle. These couples had been together for at least 5 years, had known each other's families, relatives and friends, and had already plans for their future wedding, dream house and family. Everybody expected they would end up being together but things would not always end up as what you thought it would be.

When I hear about a couple's sudden break-up, I feel bad and regret at the same time. My thought would always be: "Sayang ang ___ years.. :(" Then I'd ask what separated them together; there were diverse answers, as expected, but the most common ones involve a third party, being tired in a stagnant relationship, and falling out of love.

Partners in a romantic relationship, especially the guys (no offense), stop being effortful when the courting period ends and the relationship begins. They stop giving surprise gifts and cheesy letters, texting random things at random times, and even talking for hours at night. People usually take the relationship for granted especially if it has already endured for a long period of time, they think that they'll not be left behind.

On the contrary, the "getting-to-know-you" stage should never stop in the relationship stage even though you've been together for quite a time. As what I have learned from the movie Fireproof, one must always study his/her partner like how one studies to get a degree; one must continue learning about his/her significant other and also show that you still care and love her.

There are various ways to do this, it can be by organizing a candle-lit dinner at home with your own cooked meals, lying in bed at night while talking about your day at work or home, sharing pieces of information you've never shared before, and the most important one is by truly listening to what he/she has to say before nagging or getting angry for petty mistakes.

As Scott Peck said: "Love is effortful." That's why relationships should never be stationary, they must continually grow, evolve, and be nurtured. One must not be so complacent with the way things work for now, they might differ in the future. No one really knows and no one can know. The only thing you can do today is appreciate and value your relationship and your happiness. Make an effort and show how you truly love and care and maybe, you will discover more about your partner which you haven't known before.

P.S. Listen to the message of this song by The Script :)

Jewels in Solitude

*This was a modification of my previous post entitled "The Value of Being Alone" and was submitted as my Philosophical paper.

____________________________________________________________________

"No man is an island, entire of itself" was how John Donne (1624) saw human beings; for him, humans don’t thrive when isolated from others. Cliché it may seem, yet in the status quo, this concept of his still applies. In a recent study of Wilson et al. (2014), they found that participants typically did not enjoy spending even 6 to 15 minutes in a room by themselves with nothing to do but think, and that many preferred to administer electric shocks to themselves rather than being left alone with their thoughts. This shows that most people prefer doing something rather than nothing at all, even if that something is negative.

One may ask what the reason behind this attitude is. It may be hard for others to admit but generally, we, human beings are afraid to be alone because in today's society, being alone is tantamount to being rejected, and as Croston (2012) said, rejection is what people fear more than death. We are not literally afraid to be alone, it’s the prospect of being cut off, demeaned, or isolated from the crowd that we are anxious about. We know how it feels like to be alone – unloved, unadmired, and disregarded, and because we already know how it feels, we don't want to experience it again; therefore, we will always look for ways not to be alone; be it in the company of people, a pile of books, a stack of DVDs or even a music playlist in their phones.

On the contrary, according to Anne Morrow Lindbergh (1991), there is an innate desire in every human being to be alone. It is a reality no one can escape no matter how one tries to surround himself/herself with human company, things, or tasks to be just "busy". We are fooling ourselves if we think that we can run away from the isolation we don't want to experience. Despite the deafening silence we don't want to hear, and the aching void in our hearts which we don't want to feel, being alone says Lindbergh, is necessary. Because it is only by being alone that we can be in a state of solitude. In solitude we acquire many values that we do not expect to obtain, and some of them will be presented in the following discussions.

1. New perspective

Nietzsche (1878) said: “There are great advantages in removing ourselves distinctly from our contemporary time,” that is, letting ourselves be taken away from the conforming and unquestioning society we have now. By being alone, we are freed in some way from our comfort zones, and our visions expand from merely seeing what 'one wants to see' to what 'one needs to see'. We can look again at the world with a view atop the rabbit’s fur, a perspective we once had, we get to survey it for the first time its entire shape with a questioning mind, and when we come closer at it again, we now have the advantage of understanding it better on the whole than those who have never dared to climb back at all.

2. Reflection

Solitude allows us to pause. As Gabriel Marcel (1950) said, a break from our daily chain of habit becomes the starting point of our reflection. Solitude grants us the opportunity to think and reflect. Being alone brings us back to the various happy and exciting moments, or even the sad ones that we have forgotten or tried to forget in our life. This allows us to pick different experiences from our memories and join them together to create a unified album of ourselves which might answer the most basic questions and essential questions we’ve been asking this whole time. This interlink helps explain the questions as to our origin and purpose that baffled our minds for days, or even a longer period.

3. The Self

It is in the company of no one but one’s own self that we can find our self. It is in solitude that we regain our free spirit who may have drifted away or has been entrapped by the slavish society. It is in silence and distance from the crowd that we begin to understand the interplay of our self. And when we find out about this truth, we cannot be a stranger to ourselves anymore. We get to know who we are, and when we begin to understand our self, we also learn to love our self, and as what Scott Peck pointed out, the capability to love our self also entails the capability of manifesting love for others.

Based on the aforementioned, one can see the necessity for a person to be alone. In today’s society, people have been giving too much by abiding to others’ dictates. Being alone and in a state of solitude cleanses a person from this poison of conformity and mediocrity and replenishes his/her self in the process.

As a whole, being alone is indeed an endeavor one despises because of the many labels (i.e. unsuccessful and unloved) it attaches to a person. Yet, it must not be hated because after all, we do thrive when isolated from others. It helps us grow and mature by viewing the world from a different perspective that we’ve limited before, by being more skeptical and dissenting from societal orders and lastly, by knowing and understanding who one’s self is. Think of these values that we can achieve through solitude.  Spending more time alone will be worth the experience.

FYI

One thing others don't know about me: I'm a romantic.

I'm certainly the woman who loves getting long, mushy messages, or sweet "I love you's" at random times during the day. I appreciate getting flowers for special occassions, or an unexpected visit whenever I'm lonely.

I still believe in fairy tales and happy endings and I'm still in love with the idea of a damsel-in-distress awaiting her prince charming.

I love back-hugs, long talks in bed, a kiss on the forehead, a tickle in my toe, and most of all, I really love surprises.

Whenever I see people preparing for a surprise or getting surprised, I feel envy and pity (for myself). I always wonder why nobody would make an effort to surprise me on my birthday, or even afterwards. 

To be honest, I did expect from people; after all, I made an effortful surprise for theirs. Well, it turned out as a disappointment. I probably didn't matter that much for them as they were to me. That's why I always tell myself today to not expect from anyone anymore.

I maybe known to others as a serious type, mistakenly assumed as someone who does not like any "romantic stuff". But before you judge someone, get to know them first. 

I'm posting this to let people know the part of my personality that I hid perfectly from society and that I'm also at my limits. 

I'm tired of giving too much; I believe it should also be reciprocated this time. A little appreciation wouldn't hurt.

AmCham BLP

It was sembreak last year when a classmate of mine posted in our fb group a message passed on by kuya Kurt Sabate about the AmCham Business Leadership Program (BLP) application. He encouraged our class to apply for the program because it is, as he said, a life-changing experience. What motivated me to apply was the rare opportunity of meeting the country's top CEOs and visiting the different firms (aside from the interesting discussions) and most of all, it's all fully-funded by the American Chamber of Commerce in the Philippines! I immediately texted kuya Kurt that night that I'm interested in applying for the program and afterwards, he sent me the application kit.

The AmCham Business Leadership Program (BLP) aims to make tomorrow’s leaders aware of the contributions of multinational businesses to the country’s development. It is a week-long annual program for university students, consisting of company visits, meetings with CEOs, and a mentored business project. This year's BLP will be held on April 11-19, 2015.

(Read more about AmCham BLP here: http://www.amchamblp.com/about/history/)

The application process consists of 3 phases; afterall, it is a very competitive program, accepting only 30 students from hundreds of nominations from all over the nation's top universities.

First Phase:

For me, the first phase of the application process is the most tiresome one; this stage will test how determined you are to join. This phase involves completing the rigorous application form. Mind you, it's not merely a one-page basic information form, it also includes an essay consisting of two questions (p.s. It's not purely subjective, it requires thorough research and analysis too), a recommendation letter from the dean, a resume of extra-curricular activities with certifications as supporting evidences, a copy of the latest transcript of records (TOR), a certification of the latest GPA/QPI, and a student declaration contract.

Firstly, I have requested a copy of my TOR and certification of latest QPI at the registrar since this will take 2 weeks to process. After that, I made a list of my extra-curricular activities and took note of those which needed certifications and immediately started working on them. Then I started researching information for the questions in the essay. It took me almost 3 weeks to finish the entire application (from getting signatures to making essays). Two days before the deadline, I emailed the scanned copy of my application and mailed the original files to AmCham Office in Makati.

Second Phase:

It was last week of January when I received an email from Ms. Pinky (BLP Coordinator) that I passed the first phase. She told me to be ready for the next one and take note of the requirements needed. I was so happy and at the same time nervous because the next phase consisted of an interview and online exam. Furthermore, according to kuya Kurt, he didn't even finish the test which made more anxious.

I was scheduled for an assessment last February 11, but a problem arose, and it was then rescheduled to Feb. 13. (Note: Comply STRICTLY with the requirements given in the email. Especially the requirement wherein you must be at school premises and monitored by a proctor.)

Luckily, we (Ate Marion, a fellow applicant and a senior of mine in BSA) were allowed by Sir Pol Medina (Accountancy Program Chair & School Coordinator for BLP) to use the SBG computer laboratory for our assessment during the activity period with a laboratory assistant to monitor us.

The skype interview was conducted by a consultant from John Clements Inc, it was strictly in English, and was not so easy to answer. The questions were more about leadership and my opinion on different matters regarding national economic issues. It lasted for about an hour! Then, the online exam was given by another consultant. It was in 2 parts and timed at each part. The exam mainly assessed our general reasoning skills, oral, and analytical proficiency. Because of the unstable internet connection, my teamviewer kept crashing, and when I have logged-in again after several attempts, the time was almost up.

Final Phase

I was losing hope after the second phase since I'm not sure if I satisfactorily answered the questions during the interview and if I passed the tests I didn't even finish.. and so when I received an email that I passed and was scheduled for the final assessment, I can't contain my joy. It was indeed an unexpected one.

The final phase was a panel interview to be conducted by members of the American Chamber of Commerce in Davao. I was scheduled for Feb. 28 assessment at the Davao City Chamber of Commerce Building. 

I arrived earlier than the communications coordinator and changed to my formal corporate attire. Ms. Annie from AmCham Davao arrived later and told me that I was the only one from Davao who passed and is scheduled for an interview (contrary to the normal 5-6 students they annually interview) and because of this, only one member from the Chamber would conduct my interview.

The interview had a friendlier atmosphere than last time. Dr. Joy, a member of AmCham Davao, was very accomodating and non-threatening. She gave me adequate time to think and talk. She was also very responsive to my answers, frequently giving side comments and recommendations. The questions were also more on leadership especially in the business sector. Because I had various experiences in conducting activities because of my affiliations in many organizations,  answering the questions was not a problem at all.

The interview with Dr. Joy lasted for almost 2 hours. After the interview, she immediately told me that I passed the screening and that she expects for a great performance in the BLP and even after that.

I received the official email of acceptance from Ms. Pinky a week later. I was very blessed to be selected as one of the 30 student-participants from top universities in the whole nation.

Now, I'm beginning the countdown for this life-changing experience. Only two weeks left before I depart for the program which I have only dreamed of passing before.

I will also share my experiences after the program in this blog, but for now, all I can do is wait and prepare :)

Incomprehensible

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this emptiness that sucks the life out of me which I can't possibly explain. 

cr: Flickr

Let me ask you..

Did you also had that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile, say hi, or wave to familiar faces. You simply don’t want to fake being happy. And the problem is: you don’t know exactly what’s wrong with you. There isn't a way to explain it to others.. 'coz they'll surely not understand what you're currently going through.

Then, you'll start wanting to be alone. You will seclude yourself from the crowd, go into various places, try out different things.. but still, the unexplained hollow feeling in your chest does not ebb at all.

It only grows by each passing second that you fake the circumstances and don't let the tears shed. You then try to talk to people to see if they can help; yet, you realize that they have stopped being comforting and accommodating.. They don't listen anymore, as opposed to what you expect them to do.

Because of the disappointment, you go back to seclusion again for you know that at least when you’re alone, no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn’t anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer.

You'll realize afterwards that you feel the way you do JUST BECAUSE. And you hope the this feeling will pass soon. You will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

Did you also experience having this kind of feeling?

I hope I'm not the only one.