Somebody needs a break

Exhausted? Stressed? Demotivated?

Honestly, I can't even identify my feelings right now.

I know I easily get down, but these days, it seems that they occur too often.

"FAILURE IS NEVER AN OPTION"

-NASA

Since I'm a big fan of NASA, I promised myself that I too will live by this mantra.

Ever since a kid, I developed this competitive attitude that wants to excel in possibly all fields that I have the capability to enter. Because I simply don't want to be brought down by anyone, I did my best in my studies and participated a lot of extra-curricular activities just to be on top. Thus, I graduated Valedictorian in grade school and high school and also earned various awards and recognitions local and even global.

This mantra of mine was truly lived by during those days; however, when I entered college, things were very different.

Of course I already expected college to be difficult, but believe me, I didn't expect it to be this difficult.

I did what I usually do during high school: study ahead, complete the requirements and ace the test. As usual, I got high grades during the first year (mostly A's) and was awarded as top 3 highest QPI during the next sem.

When second year began, and Financial Accounting was introduced, I experienced my first 0 score in a quiz, 75 rating in an exam and 85 final grade.

I thought I was the lowest in class and I'll be out in our section by the next semester; yet, too good to be true, I was still part of section A.

I told myself that I should focus and put more effort into my studies (esp. FinAcc) no matter how much I despise the subject so that I can attain a higher grade and QPI. It turned out that it was never an easy undertaking.. From B, my grade went down to C+. Ouch. 

But then, I moved on from the hurt I felt. Good thing that I was still part of section A the next semester. It was a new school year and a tough one for us because of our 5 major subjects. But we managed it so far. Although there were also ups and downs (mostly downs), we did survive as a class; no one failed. I'm thankful that I'm still a Dean's Lister despite the pressure of the 5 major subjects although it was really so close.

I vowed to myself that I have to get back up even if it means that I need to force myself in loving my course, which up to date, I still don't. But then, no matter how late I sleep at night, no matter how many books and reviewers I read and no matter how many questions I answer, I still failed.  60, 70, 80? Are my efforts actually justified by these numbers? I don't think so, and they will never be.

Accounting and me? We're never meant to be.

Just like how couples need a time to "cool off", I think I also need a break from my course because I'm forcing myself too much, I'm comparing and belittling myself too much and I'm pressuring myself too much nowadays.

Seriously. I do really need a break.